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How did I get here?
Looking over my social media lately, there seems to be a real disconnect in the courting process. A typical interaction may go something like this:Person One makes a perfectly safe, innocuous compliment something to the effect of "You have a beautiful smile" or "You're very pretty"
Person Two responds with a non-committal acknowledgement which usually just seems like they are being polite. "Thanks!"
Person One then comes back with a COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE proposition or "compliment" such as "R U DTF?" or "You have great dick sucking lips"
Person Two then responds with a justifiable amount of righteous indignation; usually involving a copious amount of swear words and name calling...or just completely ignoring the comment and the person from then on out.
Person One then gets genuinely butt-hurt and starts outright insulting Person Two. "Meh, your ass is fat anyway, whore!"
Really folks? This is where we're at as a society in 2015 that THIS is what is deemed acceptable behavior when not only TALKING to our fellow human beings, but trying to romantically court them? I'm far from a Don Juan (as my personal statistics in this arena will tell you when I share them in a minute), but MOST of the women I've been intimate with are still in my life on at least a base social level. This is because even though our romantic involvement may have fizzled, I at least knew the basic tenant of any meaningful relationship; romantic or otherwise, is to respect who they are as a person.
Let's go inside the numbers about yours truly:
- I had my V-Card punched at 20. Yes I went my entire High School career and first 2 years of College without getting laid.
- In total, I've had eight partners. Of those eight; two were essentially one night stands (though I didn't want either of them to be that way), and one was a fuck buddy arrangement that both of us were very clear about. going in. The rest were serious, committed relationships.
- For those that don't want to do the math, that's 8 partners in 15 years, I average a new, unique partner every 22 months. Which given the level of commitment I tend to put into my romantic endeavors seems perfectly reasonable to me.
- Here's what is important to note about why I feel even REMOTELY qualified to speak about any of the above. 100% of my sexual partners, I met on line. ALL of them! OkCupid, Craigslist, MySpace, LiveJournal, ICQ, and for the truly old school, the Prodigy Online service.
I may not be a pick up artist IRL; (but there's no shortage of guys who can tell you how to pick up women in bars...go read them) but when it comes to online interactions; I'll put my numbers against anybody. So with that said, here's what person 1 and 2 NEED to know if they are going to try and use the internet to get laid going forward...
1) Looks matter...
Don't kid yourself into thinking they don't. We were all brought up with the "You can't judge a book by looking at the cover" mantra; but here's the thing, you can absolutely determine if the book is one you WANT TO READ by looking at the cover, otherwise, there would be nothing on covers at all. Need a visual aid? Grab two hardcover books, any two will do just so long as they have removable paper coverings on them. Remove the covers. What do you see? Probably boring brown, nondescript binding. Who wants to explore that further? It could be the greatest story ever told; but I'd never know because I have no way of determining whether I want to open the cover and explore the story further. The same is true of people. My personality could be everything another person is looking for; but if the physical attraction isn't there; then it's just not going to matter. The best chance I have is getting my friend zoned. (More on this later)2) ... but they aren't everything!
Good looks will get you in the game; but you will need some substance to keep you in it. I know of good looking dudes who NEVER get laid because they are socially awkward, clingy, needy, insecure, or just plain BORING! It's absolutely essential that your personality jives with the person you are engaging and that you have things to talk about or the whole thing will fizzle. While I am a man writing this blog, this is ESPECIALLY true for you women; because there is absolutely NOTHING more frustrating than talking to a woman who clearly is GORGEOUS and has spent her whole life coasting upon that fact and put ZERO effort into developing anything resembling substance. Call it the Kelly Bundy affect...3) It's a numbers game.
This is the one thing that Person One is getting correct above. You're going to get shot down; A LOT. Where he/she is making their mistake is by getting all indignant and pissed off about the fact that they are being rejected. You can't take this kind of thing personally. Basically Person Two is a stranger to you; and in our scenario, you just offended every sensibility this person has by acting like a douche, so you pretty much deserve it. Still, as any good salesman will tell you; the rejections you receive today don't matter, because you've got a calendar full of appointments for the next month and all you need is one yes and you make commission that month.3) Honesty is crucial to all involved ESPECIALLY TO YOURSELF!
In 2015 we've reached a weird place where our social identity is boiled down to a nice, neat little package. Culturally, everyone seems to be highly desirous of grouping and labeling everyone as much as possible. I have fought against these labels (and against a lot of what is considered socially acceptable for that matter) most of my life. However, as human beings we place such a premium on our intimate relationships (especially ones that have us getting laid on the regular) that we tend to lose focus of who we are as individuals. Being fake or phony won't get you laid; all it will do is make you miserable. Don't ask me how I know...
4) Attraction is a funny thing.
Here's where the "Friend Zone" comes in to play. Sometimes two people can consider one another physically attractive; and have a great emotional and philosophical connection, and it's just not there. When that lack of attraction is mutual, then no harm, no foul, I have many a platonic friend that I am forever grateful for; however, when one person is VERY attracted to the other and the other is just not interested; difficult choices must be made.5) Know your expectations/limitations.
The only other interaction I see more often than the one outlined at the beginning of this tirade is the one where person one goes the complete other way and puts person two on a complete pedestal and won't shut up about how beautiful he/she is. This is a bad look bro. It's a double edged sword that kills not only makes Person Two live up to completely unrealistic expectations, but it makes Person One seem completely insecure and frankly; downright creepy. This was a mistake I commonly made early on in my twenties; and I still see it all the time anytime one of my Hooter girl friends posts a particularly good selfie... it's truly cringe worthy.
6) Putting it all together!
Go look in the mirror; do you like what you see? HONESTLY! If you don't, there's a pretty good chance other people won't either. This is not because you are actually ugly but rather because you see yourself as unattractive. People are drawn to others who are at peace with who they are, who are outgoing, confident, and self-assured. They tend to retreat from people who are insecure, cause drama, and are generally just miserable pricks. When you look good, you feel good; but (I can't stress this enough) looking good is NOT a prerequisite for feeling good. As near as I can tell, feeling good is just something that happens when you quit screwing around and really focus on #3 above.... and you only need one person's permission to be happy, yours.This blog post was heavily inspired by the following EXCELLENT works listed below; the links are provided as a service to you the dear reader:
"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" by Mark Manson: http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck
